a few of my favorite mythical monsters

For whatever reason, humans seem to have an obsession for things that freak them out. We watch horror movies and TV shows with people having operations (WHILE EATING) (thanks Mom) and some of us even pay to get the bejeezus scared out of us in haunted houses. I, for one, am not a fan of being scared. And yet, when something creeps me out, I’ll do more research on it. Like having more knowledge will help me out. It does not. Unlike clowns and old dolls, however; mythical monsters don’t creep me out. They give me a sensation best described as !!!!

• Vampires

Forgetting that Twilight ever happened, vampires are actually kind of cool. They stay up all night, they never age, they have a strange connection to bats, they’re pale, they hiss when they see the sun—I can relate to at least two-thirds of these.

My favorite thing that I’ve learned about vampires is that they’re compulsive counters. If you dropped a handful of seeds on the ground, they’d have to count them. Even if it meant staying outside when the sun was coming up. I don’t know who made this particular piece of lore, but it’s wonderful. Vampires are officially nerds now.

• Werewolves

Werewolves aren’t bad either, I suppose. They’re a little more tragic. No one really wants to become an uncontrollable monster once a month, but at least they have a fairly accurate schedule for it.

I’m not sure if this is actually werewolf canon (canon’s the word, right?), but I read once that throwing a werewolf’s clothes at them would make them transform. I’m not sure why that’s so funny to me. Maybe because I’m picturing someone with a t-shirt cannon pelting a wolf with clothes.

• Faeries

I really enjoy reading about the Fae. I like how rule-oriented they are. They can’t lie, but they can bend the truth and manipulate. They have precise, definite standards of etiquette and hospitality. They can use glamours to make themselves and certain things look certain ways. They generally feel no emotion, but they take enjoyment in ruining peoples’ lives. Very nice of them.

The only problem for me is that I get tired of faeries in books very quickly. Probably because they all have the personality of a semi-mysterious, passive-aggressive toothpick. I don’t know how you’d go about fixing that though.

• Mermaids/Selkies

Forgive me for the following mini-rant. But mermaids have been softened up, and I dislike it. Yes, sometimes mermaids were benevolent and helpful in folklore, but other times they sang pretty songs to lure men into the water to drown them. And maybe eat them. Just because a monster is feminine doesn’t mean it’s not out for your blood.

Selkies are much closer to the Disney version of mermaids. They’re more mild-mannered and caring, but they also wear the skins of seals when they’re in the ocean, which isn’t nearly as appealing.

• Bigfoot/the Yeti

Europe has a lush history of suave, sophisticated creatures like the Loch Ness Monster, trolls, Banshees, and Baba Yaga. But in America, what do you have? A hairy, red-neck monster with big feet that lives in the woods/swamps. This is shameful. GIVE US COOLER MONSTERS. The Yeti, however, is rad, and no one can change my mind on that. Even though the Yeti and Bigfoot are basically the same.

• DRAGONS

Dragons are some of the coolest monsters ever and the fact that I haven’t seen much with them in it bums me out. They normally stick to themselves (like hermits) and build up hoards of gold and jewels and shiny things. Which sounds great in theory, but there’s no way I could deal with it. Sure, treasure looks nice piled around in heaps, but if I was there I’d want to organize it. And maybe color-code it. At least put like-items together?? The dwarves would not have sent me in to get the Arkenstone.

• Ghosts

Of all the monsters, ghosts are without a doubt my favorite. To be clear, not the typical kill-you-in-your-sleep, revenge-driven ghosts. But the just-chillin’ ghosts. They’ve got a certain cat-like vibe that includes lounging and being vaguely dissatisfied with everything. I dig it.

What are your thoughts? Do you like horrifying things (like watching Dr. Pimple Popper)? Do you have a favorite mythical monster?