an analysis of the dumb things I’ve written

I’ve written many dumb things in my life. Some I’ve written too recently to properly make fun of. Others I wrote when I was eleven. And while I cannot be completely sure, I think eleven-year-old Grace would’ve been onboard with trolling her own stories.

Also, both the stories I’m sharing today were for school, which either makes this funnier or sadder.

This first one is short, not even two hundred words, and based on the “one good turn deserves another” proverb.

(My comments are in green.)

A fledgling Eagle, who was soaring aloft in the sky, suddenly spotted an ugly, squirming Serpent. (Ugly seems a bit harsh.) The Eagle swooped down but didn’t capture the serpent, because the sneaky serpent was to fast for the Eagle. (I’ll have you know that it causes me physical pain to leave “to” like that.) A second later, the Serpent had its coils around the Eagle and they engaged in a life or death tussle. (The serpent was too fast for the eagle to catch it, yet it caught the eagle a second later?)

A youthful cat, whose name was Winston, sprang up in alarm when he gazed (gazed? really Grace?) at the Eagle and the Serpent. Before he knew it, he had jumped into the fight to save the Eagle from its attacker. (The eagle was literally trying to catch the serpent to eat, and now the serpent’s the bad guy?) Madly, (??) he fought to save the Eagle and suddenly he found himself lying on the ground with the Eagle above him free.

In revenge, the evil Serpent (someone really didn’t like snakes) spat deadly venom into Winston’s Water Fountain (what.) while Winston was not looking. The blistering wind and baking sun were too much for Winston who was scorched. So he dragged himself to his water fountain. (Winston stop being such a drama queen.) He almost put his tongue into the water when the Eagle, which he had saved, (yes, we remember) set down in front of him a Slurpee. Winston drank it up in two seconds (greedy.) “One good turn deserves another.”

This story is slightly messed up.

The serpent was acting in self-defense, and Winston saw the fight and made a quick assumption of who the victim was. Sure, the serpent spat venom into his water fountain after that, but Winston was being really whiny. Also, I’ve always pictured the fountain like the ones you’d find outside a public bathroom, so I don’t know why having venom on it would be bad unless he was licking it.

And I also clearly had a problem with choosing which words to capitalize.

This next one is a little longer, and it’s my retelling of The Three Little Pigs (feat. Winston, Puder, & Shadow.)

Once upon a time there were three little cats; they went to see the world. Beyond their homes they traveled, until they stopped at a quiet neighborhood. They decided to stay (random choice, but okay.) Puder, who was the oldest cat, played with Winston and Shadow in the soft grass (I don’t know why, but I used to really like the idea of grass) (just not the reality of it) until it grew dark.

The next morning when they were playing, Shadow suddenly said (suddenly is the worst word ever), “Maybe we should get mansions to live in.”

“That’s a good idea,” mewed Puder (no it’s not, Puder.)

“I’m going to make a straw mansion,” said Shadow (what.)

“I’ll make a wooden mansion!” exclaimed Winston. “It will be better.”

Puder mewed, “NO, NO, NO! I’ll make the best mansion of all out of stone!” Frantically they started building.

><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

(impressive fish-shaped dividers)

Puder built diligently and his beautiful mansion was finished. Winston and Shadow, who finished building quickly, played while Puder worked. Behind the neighborhood where the cats played lived a big bad Wolf. He planned a secret scheme (ah yes, a secret scheme.)

“Run into your Mansions!” (again, with the caps) Screamed Winston. “I see the Wolf!” So they ran as fast as they could to their Mansions.

Furiously the Wolf ran to Shadow’s Mansion and said, “OPEN UP! I WON’T HURT YOU. I JUST WANT TO TALK!”

But Shadow wouldn’t open the door. So he huffed and he puffed and he blew down Shadow’s straw Mansion. Shadow scurried to Winston’s Mansion where they hid together. “I hope my Mansion will hold up,” whispered Winston.

Again the Wolf came up and pounded on the door. “OPEN UP! I WON’T HURT YOU!” But again they wouldn’t open the door. So he huffed and he puffed and he blew down the Mansion.

><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

(not sure why we need dividers here)

Puder, who saw what happened, opened the door faster than the speed of light (okay. This seems improbable but okay.) The cats sped though (through.) Before the Wolf was there, Shadow slammed the door closed.

The Wolf growled viciously (adverbs in general are the worst), “I’ll have to find another way in.” (They didn’t lock the door, you clothespin.)

While the Wolf growled outside (he was just standing outside growling?? This reminds me of a specific scene in Robot Monster), the cats relaxed on Puder’s magic sofa. Suddenly (return of the Suddenly) the Wolf said, “OPEN UP! I WON’T HURT YOU! I JUST WANT TO TALK!”

BAM! All of the cats shot out of the roof on Puder’s Magic Sofa. “POTATO CHIPS!” screamed Puder. And the Wolf ran away and never came back. (Smart move, buddy.)

Once again we have a confusion of who the bad guy truly is. The cats started building mansions on land they didn’t own (and what kind of neighborhood has room to drop three mansions in it?), and it’s unclear whether the wolf actually meant them harm. I mean, he was yelling at them and smashing their houses, but if someone was trying to build a mansion out of straw in my backyard, I think I’d react about the same.

And the ending is….well, it’s something. I clearly had an issue with finishing stories, so I tried to wrap them up in as few words as possible. You can see how that turned out.

What are your thoughts? Do you like reading dumb things you’ve written, or do you prefer to burn them with fire?

Also, just as a heads-up, I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting in November, but I’ll try to post something.