an analysis of the dumb things I’ve written (pt. 3)

Last time I searched through old school papers, I found the cannibalism one and I found this. While there was a fair gap between the writings of the two, they both seem intended to cause maximum levels of pain for everyone involved.

Enjoy.

Puder’s Fright Night

(Was there not a worse title available?)

(My comments are in green.)

Twas the night before Halloween and all through the manor, not a creature was stirring, not even a Puder. (I’m horrified and impressed that I nearly made this work.) That last part wasn’t exactly true, Puder reflected. He was nearly jumping out of his fur every time he heard a sound. For the past three years, on the eve of Halloween, Puder’s house had been haunted by a ghost. This year Puder had intended on going elsewhere (he had even gotten a plane ticket for the Bahamas), but all of his neatly made plans had fallen through when his house lost power.

“A ton of good that electric car does me now,” Puder remarked, to no one in particular. (I really didn’t like electric cars when I was twelve.) (But honestly. Just keep your car charged. Good grief, Puder.) Deciding there was no use brooding about it, he crept into one of the house’s five kitchens (excuse me what), to make himself a cucumber sandwich. Up to the fridge Puder tip-toed, checking through the corners of his eyes if the ghost was behind him… (I hate this whole sentence.) Instantly (the new “suddenly”) Puder lashed out on a foreign object resting on the kitchen counter.

“Take that! And that!” Puder exclaimed, before peeping open his eyes to find the object he had been destroying; a pineapple, rolling into the open pantry.

“There’s more where that came from!” he shouted. (I’m 90% sure I stole this dialogue from something.) Inside the dark room came an ominous gurgling (ominous is not the first word to come to mind when I think of gurgling. Toilets gurgle. But alrighty.) Puder eyed the sinister pantry nervously, knowing that he had to retrieve his pineapple, and face his fears (that last comma. Also why does he have to get the pineapple? Just leave the pineapple.) He leapt into the room, flipped on the light switch, and stood stricken with fear at the black mass in front of him. It started out as a whine which grew a hertz per every five seconds, rapidly becoming a screech. Puder continued to screech until a tail slapped him in the face.

“W-Winston? What are you doing here?” he asked before remembering, “Winston! THERE’S A GHOST IN THE HOUSE!”

“Puder! I am the ghost. I ran out of peanut butter, and all the stupid stores are closed,” Winston explained.

“Peanut butter? That’s right! For the past few years you’ve had a peanut-butter-eating competition at your birthday party.”

“And I always forget to stock up, so I come here,” Winston added. (I love it when stories are wrapped up in logical ways. So satisfying.)

Puder sighed with relief, “Winston, you’ve been the best ghost a cat could have these last three years.” (awwww)

Winston’s mouth fell open. “Uh, Puder? I’ve only been doing the peanut-butter-eating-competition for two years.” Winston watched as this message sunk in, sending Puder screaming and flying out of his manor. Following him out, Winston gathered his jars of peanut butter. “Ha, ha.”

• • •

Before I say anything else—Winston is kind of a terrible friend. Most of the plot relies on him being a jerk. He breaks into his friend’s house to steal his peanut butter, even though he could just as easily wait until the next day to buy it, or simply ask for it. And having a peanut-butter-eating-competition is clearly something only a jerk would do.

Next, Puder could’ve just called a cab/Uber/Lyft if he really felt strongly about leaving. He also probably has more than one car. Even if they’re all electric, one of them has to be charged.

Lastly, it bothers me that Puder not only has five kitchens but also enough peanut butter to supply a competition. That is all.