an introduction to Winston and Puder

If you have even a slight idea of what this post’s about, you probably didn’t click on it. You saw it in your inbox or in your browser. You sighed. And then you decided you wouldn’t touch it with a ten (thousand) foot pole. If you are reading this, then something terrible must have happened to your brain because I know that your judgment isn’t normally this bad.

You’ve been warned.

Now, where should I start? Ah, yes. *Clears throat.*

“A long time ago in a galaxy far—” *clears throat again.* Wrong story. Sorry.

This is not the story of a Jedi who doesn’t talk much when he gets older, this is the story of a cat named Winston and his sidekick, Puder, who would argue that he was, in fact, the main character (or cat.) You can decide for yourself if he’s right.

Everything that you need to know about Winston and Puder could fit into a mustard seed. That is to say, there is nothing you need to know about them. There is nothing extraordinary about them, nor anything interesting in the least bit. You should stop reading this while you’re ahead.

Now, everything you might want to know about Winston and Puder would take five theme parks, 37 mansions, a slightly communistic cavern spanning the earth, one trampoline, a handful of zombies, four houses, and exactly 17 Altoids containers to fit in.

Please tell me you have something better to do than continuing to read this….

*Sigh.* So disappointing.

Let’s start with the basics, then.

Winston

Imagine Loki as a stuffed animal cat… that’s pretty much it. Except that Winston isn’t an ice giant or the adopted son of Odin or someone whose hobbies include stabbing people with knives—you know what, scratch that. This is a horrible analogy. What I meant to say was Winston would look a lot like Loki if he was a human and he is also a tad bit sassy. And people don’t like him that much.

Other than that, he happens to be super rich (mostly from the fortune his father left him when he died) (who am I kidding, it’s completely from his dad; he was as poor as a penguin before), and his voice is highly intelligent (apparently I have Rocky Balboa to thank for this??) He has a car collection that gets at least three new cars every day, a red motorcycle with flame decals, and a love for strange art.

“It’s art!” said no one but Winston ever.

Somehow he also manages to be 100% Gryffindor and 100% Slytherin at the same time. Figures.

And then there’s Puder

Imagine—no, I’m serious—imagine Ronald Weasley as a cat. It’s perfect. Puder could definitely fit in with the Weasleys by appearance alone. But putting Harry Potter aside for two seconds, I claim none of the weirdness that is Puder. He is my best friend’s doing. That being said, his background is much more mysterious than Winston’s. (Translation from Grace to English: I, um… I don’t remember it…)

How did he get his fortune?  Blackmailing the Prime Minister, obviously.

What does he do for a living?  He’s definitely a spy.

Is it true that he’s made a clone of himself?  Yes. Yes, it is. (You think I’m kidding.)

Just like Winston, Puder has a funny voice (he speaks with a lisp), and his hobbies include singing I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, and blowing up universities before walking away in slow motion (with shades on, DUH.) (It only happened once, but I thought it was worth mentioning.) As far as Houses go, he seems to be a Hufflepuff and a Slytherin. The fact that that makes no sense is the reason why it must be right.

•••

So, here we are. I have continued to write and you, for reasons unknown, have continued to read. If I kept writing, I could tell you about disastrous camping trips that Winston and Puder went on, crimes that they have solved, crimes that they have committed, aliens that they have encountered, the stupid things that they have spent their money on, all the children that Puder has adopted, and all the indications that Winston is actually Batman. But the more merciful thing to write would be: you can stop reading now. Thanks.

P.S. Tell me all your thoughtssssss (or don’t.) Do whatever you want. Did you actually read this? Are your eyeballs burning? What are your opinions on Winston and Puder??