how to plan the perfect art heist

Well, it’s been a few weeks. So obviously I’m here to talk about art heists.

I’ve recently read a book, Stealing Rembrandts (which is about—you guessed it—stealing Rembrandts), and the sheer amount of information in it was fantastic. There were accounts from museums and investigators and the thieves themselves, as well as bits on Rembrandt’s life and his work. And it’s possible that I have a very strange sense of humor because I found the book to be hysterical. So, I’m going to attempt to share my newfound knowledge in the form of the basic heist. (As an added bonus that has nothing to do with anything, I think I’ll finally remember how to spell “museum” because I’ve only typed it a thousand times for this post.)

• Stake out your mark

This is the first thing you want to do when planning a heist. What you look for will depend on whether you’re at a museum or a private residence. (I’ll be talking mostly from the museum angle.)

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At both places, you need to pay attention to entrances and exits, cameras, sensors, and other security measures. At museums, you’ll need to know how many guards there are, whether or not they’re armed, and what their schedules are. You’ll need to know how close you can get to art without setting off alarms or without anyone noticing. Pay attention to delivery schedules and traffic patterns. It’s also worthwhile to check how the painting is hanging, whether from the wall or from the ceiling.

When scoping things out, it’s best not to leave any identifiable traces of yourself. Don’t leave your car parked anywhere near the museum. Don’t get too touchy without a pair of gloves on. And don’t try too hard to blend in.

• Do your research

Lots of art thieves are idiots.

Or, to put it nicely, lots of art thieves don’t have much knowledge about the art that they’re stealing. Which is fine, but it also leads to stealing artwork with a six-figure price tag and leaving behind the art with eight-figure price tags. Research into the most valuable pieces at a museum will pay off quite literally.

Also worth noting, museums don’t put everything they have on display. Most have more in storage than they do where the public can view. And while the art in storage may be worth less than those on display, it’s also largely undocumented and unlikely to be missed. Which increases your chances of being able to sell it without being caught.

Myles J. Connor, a well-known art thief back in the day, used this tactic to steal uncatalogued art and other antique pieces worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. He was literally invited straight into museums’ cellars as a curator and consultant just because he wore a fake beard and mustache, adopted an accent, and claimed to be a “Dr. Joseph.” (Also, at one point, he stole a Rembrandt to use as a bargaining chip to keep him out of jail, and the whole thing was ridiculous.)

• Make a plan

After you’ve determined your mark and done your research, you’re ready to scheme.

The biggest decision you’ll make is whether you want to steal it quickly or stealthily. To not be noticed, your best bet is to break in during the night and avoid any guards or catch them by surprise and tie them up. Daytime is also a viable option because of the distraction that crowds of people offer, plus the added bonus of street traffic.

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For either, ski masks are a must, and a stolen car that can be quickly switched out is a good idea.

• Assemble a team

Once you know what kind of heist you’re pulling, you can determine how many people you need on your team. Four is probably the bare bones. Two to steal the art, one as a getaway driver, and one as a lookout. But you could branch out depending on how many paintings you’re planning on stealing. You may want to hire a few people to act as distractions or get in the way or a person whose only job is to look intimidating so the guards leave the other thieves alone.

If you’re planning a heist in the middle of the day and expect a car chase, you may want to hire a driver to crash into following police cars. This has to be done carefully though because police officers know about this tactic, and if the crash car driver has a criminal record, they won’t think twice about arresting them.

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The most important thing, no matter how many you have on your team, is that you can trust them to keep their mouths shut. No snitching and no bragging, regardless of the circumstances.

• Keep your art in a controlled environment

These paintings are old and extremely delicate. Which means that before you even get them in your car, you should have a plan of where you’re going to put them. You’ll need a stable temperature with as little moisture as possible. Under a friend’s bed or in your car or in a leaky shed are all terrible places to store a thousand dollar painting. They’re also all places that have been used with varying results.

A Rembrandt and several other paintings spent four days in the trunk of David Aquafresca’s car while his attorney tried to work out a deal with the authorities. During this time, Aquafresca found time to go to Cape Cod with his girlfriend; the paintings still in his trunk. As his lawyer recalled, “Do you believe this? Here is everybody looking for these paintings, and my client went swimming.”

• Make money

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You can’t just steal a famous painting and expect to be able to find a buyer for it. Or you could, but it would be very stupid of you.

Most people don’t want to buy something that’s been stolen, which makes selling lesser known pieces easier, and famous pieces near impossible. Unless you’ve been hired by a rich, shady collector (which rarely happens outside of movies), your best bet of profit is a ransom. You’ll need a middle-man, someone who can negotiate and organize drop points. (An ice machine is a perfectly respectable place to leave ransom money.) But it’s important to realize that this isn’t a sure way of getting paid. Ransoms can take time, and many museums don’t have the insurance to pay up.

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As a last note, I think it’s important to acknowledge how harmful art theft can be. Museums put lots of money into preserving art so that it can be enjoyed by the multitudes. When people steal art in hopes of getting a quick payoff, paintings go unseen for years, and some have been damaged beyond repair and some have yet to be recovered. This leads to whole generations who miss out on amazing art, so, thieves, if you could just? not?